


The feeling

by Riemann_integrable



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa Zero
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Reflection, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28239054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riemann_integrable/pseuds/Riemann_integrable
Summary: Kamukura's brief retrospective musing on his relationship with Matsuda.
Relationships: Kamukura Izuru/Matsuda Yasuke
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	The feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Just a reflective matsukamu drabble I accidentally found among my notes and realized I hadn't published.

It really went beyond his comprehension, his current state. As someone who was supposed to understand everything and feel nothing, he sure went through a series of faint emotions in the back of his mind while understanding none of them. Faint, but persistent enough to bug him and confuse him. That's what made Izuru realize that Matsuda had failed - and he had failed so hard he didn't get to live long enough to be confronted with it. Maybe there was a compulsive trace of what his old self would've defined as anger, but also disbelief, a lack of grasp on death, something that wouldn't be any concern for him anytime soon.

Matsuda used to be the pillar his contact with the world was hoisted on. Perhaps not the strongest pillar or not the most adequate for the situation, merely a human, so fragile from his emotions and the efforts of hiding them behind walls and walls of impeccable intellect. But there was something about him (maybe a sort of biological acquaintance) that put Izuru at ease, besides the fact that his visits made something happen in his day, peeling through layers of boredom.

He also knew about Matsuda's unspoken fascination with him. How wouldn't he, he had the brain of an Ultimate Analyst. Back when the neurologist was obligated to establish any sort of physical contact with him and did so with an almost tangible tension, Izuru knew perfectly the reason behind it, albeit not the motivation. He was missing a puzzle piece all along, but it was a piece Hope's Peak had taken away from him with willingness on both sides of the deal. It was fine the way it was, Matsuda putting his hands on him and getting flustered like a child while Izuru never brought it to notice. For a while, at least.

That fascination may have been unspoken, but it had its ways of manifesting itself. Izuru's memories were blending together, perhaps because he was on chemicals, perhaps because he didn't care enough. At one point, he grew bored of the doctor's hesitation, as he did with everything. He remembered the moment precisely, too, in this particular case. The moment when he decided to kiss Matsuda on a whim, just to see what would happen. It was a game of assessing what exactly the situation was and proceeding without really understanding why humans engaged in acts like this. He remembered feeling Matsuda's exhales, not quite sure why that detail had struck him. It was a brief and wet kiss (it was how Izuru would've described it despite not having other references in the matter), but reciprocated, too. That could've been a surprise. In fact, Izuru wished it had been one. Unfortunately, unexpected events were destined to be out of reach for him.

There was something nobody, maybe not even Matsuda himself, ever understood about him. He didn't have preferences besides chasing away boredom - and that chasing away could therefore happen in any imaginable way. Izuru didn't draw himself lines; he couldn't have, even if he tried, because he was capable of everything (maybe except limiting himself...) He was fine with hope or despair, any event, whether it be beautiful or gruesome, and he was fine with Matsuda becoming much bolder and less self-contained in his attempts to connect with him. Connect - in a romantic way? Could it be called that? Izuru couldn't find a better name, but observing Matsuda's changes in behavioural pattern was somewhat entertaining at least. And he, too, sought the sensations of sex, because another solution to boredom was sending his brain into overdrive in order not to think about it.

The puzzle piece Izuru was looking for wasn't in those actions. It wasn't in the way Matsuda behaved, or his body, the body that had come into such vulgar contacts with his, the body that now lay lifeless and mutilated beyond recognition somewhere. It was in the way he used to look at Izuru, and even the realization that it was there took way too long. The look in his eyes wasn't going to come back - it was dead with the rest of him. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Izuru got acquainted with loneliness. Was it a feeling? He was afraid it could be classified as one. Matsuda was dead. He took himself away - through his own lack of both consideration and cool-headedness - and he left something there. And by the time Izuru realized it was pain and put the puzzle piece in place, he could already barely remember the exhales and the look. Pain, ultimately, became what bored him the most.


End file.
